


My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me

by smaragdbird



Category: The Terror (TV 2018)
Genre: Getting Back Together, Gift Giving, M/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 08:33:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17342090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: Written for Day 4: “an unexpected gift” of the 12 days of CarnivalGibson gives Hickey a gift. Hickey doesn't know how to deal with that.





	My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me

Something had changed since the Carnival, Billy did no longer constantly look over his shoulder to see who was watching them when they spoke. Cutting open the tent, even though it had killed Dr McDonald, had resulted in a lot of goodwill from everyone, even Irving.

Of course, with so many men dead and the preparations underway to abandon the ships, it wasn’t as if there was much time for judgement. If he had ever regretted taking a caulker’s identity it was now when he had to seal every hatch, door and window on the damn ship while Darlington did the same on the Erebus.

“Cornelius.” He was surprised to find Billy behind him as he was wiping pine tar from his hands. The storeroom had been empty for months, so there wasn’t a reason for Billy to be here unless he was specifically looking for him.

“What can I do for you, Billy?” He asked, just flirtatiously enough that Billy wouldn’t spook.

“I’ve got something for you”, Billy replied and held out a knife. 

Curiously, he took it from him. The knife was one of the table knives, polished to perfection, but this one was slightly different. His name had been carved into one side of the handle and his initials on the other side. Well, Cornelius Hickey’s name and initials but he had worn it long enough by now that it might as well be his.

“You saved our lives with this, I think you should keep it”, Billy explained.

He felt taken aback for a moment. No one had ever simply given him a gift without expecting something else in return. 

“Thank you, Billy”, he said with a smile, slipping the knife into his pocket.

“I shouldn’t keep you from your work”, Billy said with a nod and left before he could think of something to say that would make him stay.

/

Later he took out the knife again and examined it more carefully. The letters had been carved very carefully into the handle, straight and even, speaking of the care Billy had employed for this task. But why? It couldn’t just be that he had cut open the tent. Billy hadn’t been among those trapped there, he had fled through the door opened by Fitzjames. 

Surely Billy wanted something from him but what? Was the knife an apology? An invitation? But even though Billy was no longer paranoid about them being seen together, he still kept a fair distance between them.

If it had been a portion of grog or tobacco, he could’ve accepted that as a token of appreciation, as some of the other men had done, but the knife was way more personal. Billy had dedicated time and attention to it.

But what did he want? As much as he tried, he couldn’t find what angle Billy was playing and the demand he waited for never came. Billy didn’t seek him out again when he was alone and only sparingly when they were among others. Usually it was him who went to find Billy despite having no reason to, now that the plan to abandon the ships was no longer secret.

The question of why Billy had given him the knife just wouldn’t leave him alone, especially since Billy’s behaviour made no sense. That he wouldn’t just come out at say what he wanted, drove him insane so in the end there was option for him but to seek Billy out.

He made up some bullshit excuse about needing Billy’s help with checking the higher up places in the storage areas since he was the tallest man on the ship. When he went to Lieutenant Hodgson with his request, Hodgson even joked that on his last ship Billy had also been constantly asked to fetch things from high places.

Billy, when he turned up, was less impressed with his tactic. “What do you want, Cornelius?” He asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Just your help”, he replied with a smile and a shrug.

The look Billy gave him in return was more than sceptical but the work did need to be done, eh hadn’t been lying about that.

Billy stepped towards the hull and raised his lantern so he could inspect the wedges between the planks. Having years of sailing experience, Billy probably knew better what he was looking for than he was and so he paid only minimal attention.

This was the closest they had been in half a year and he wished he could reach out and touch Billy like he used to, fingers slipping through layers of clothing before finding the skin and bones he so longed for.

Billy had to crane his neck to inspect the hull and it exposed his throat, pale and unblemished and he wished he could sink his teeth into it to leave a mark visible to the world. Billy’s large hands slid over the wood and this was exactly the wrong moment to remember how Billy used to frame his face between them.

“Here, this bit needs to be redone I think”, Billy’s words recalled him from his reverie. He climbed onto an empty sea chest to see the bit Billy was pointing at, which brought them so close in fact that they were almost touching.

“I believe you’re right”, he replied and utterly refused to move away.

“Cornelius.” There was the hint of a warning in Billy’s voice but he didn’t step away either. “Why do you want?”

“What do I want?” He asked, incredulity colouring his tone before he could help it. “What do you want, Billy? Why did you really give me that knife?”

“Because you our lives with it. It’s not that complicated, Cornelius.” And then Billy laughed, the same kind of mocking laughter he had heard in Billy’s cabin half a year ago. It hurt to hear it again. “Why do you think I gave it to you?”

He crashed their mouths together, fingers clawing at Billy’s jacket. For a moment he had thought he had made a mistake, that he would have to take the knife and stab Billy because he was sure he couldn’t bear his rejection twice.

Then though Billy returned the kiss, his free hand cupping his face like he used to do.

“This is a bad idea”, Billy murmured when he did break the kiss, leaning their foreheads together.

“We’re in a bad situation”, he corrected him. “This is just us making the best of it.”

“If we get caught again – “

“We won’t”, he interrupted Billy. “Everyone will be too busy to survive out there. We won’t get caught.” He’d rather slice open Irving from head to toe than let him interfere again.

He swallowed the word ‘please’ that was already on his tongue. No matter how much he wanted this, he wouldn’t beg.

Billy nodded before he pulled away. “I believe we have work to do.”

Billy smiled at him and he couldn’t help himself but smile back. He wanted to kiss Billy again but he knew there was only so far he could push him.

“Cornelius.” Some day he would tell Billy his real name and hear him say it out loud in the same way. “I did give you the knife because you saved our lives.”

“I know”, he replied, finally believing Billy.


End file.
